This is the suicide note I will never write

This is the suicide note I will never write
This is my choose life poem, my enough poem
Enough hollow dreams that drive me to solo
Conversations with broken versions of me
Enough learning what it feels like to carry everyone at dawn
But break in shadow
What does it mean to be unbreakable?
Who keeps your dreams alive if you are the keeper of dreams?

This is the suicide note I will never write,
I am a poet so I write poetry to teach myself to find beauty
In life’s tragedies
To fly in the face of sorrow
Spit ice caps in the burning fires of hell
Mould deserts in the center of glaciers
Because to run life’s hardest marathons in a second
You have to teach yourself to swallow yesterdays
In order to digest the lessons of tomorrow

I am a poet so I write self addressed testimonials to my future self
To ignore the sirens that taunt me with the paradise found in eternal sleep
To stop myself from taking the scalpel to my hand
When I feel myself dancing on the edge of the world
And watching Armageddon
I write these testimonials for the day when the end of the world comes
And I am pinned to my bed by the invisible hand of fear
And there is no one there to hold me except poetry
I write to remember that sanity and insanity are identical twins
That life is simply breathing in and out and challenging everything you hold dear
Even a second can change the course of your destiny

I want to tell my future self to hold on
I want to kiss her and say:
Life is a song so dance,
You are your father’s favorite dream
Your mother’s greatest wish
Beethoven’s unfinished symphony
So dance

I want to look at the woman I will be and tell her
That she does not hold the monopoly on suffering
I want to tell her to let go and just fly
Come into the light and fall in love with the sun
Divorce the dark and post a break up letter to the moon
Scream at the top of her lungs and remember that all she ever wanted and longed for
Was dirty dancing in Zanzibar,
Sunsets on Table Mountain,
Breakfast in Paris,
Lunch in Hong Kong
Dinner in Switzerland,
And love making in a pent house in New York City
Overlooking the skyline with curtains wide open and eyes wild like fire

This is the suicide note I will never write
Because there was a time when all I thought was how beautiful
It was to be alive
And that was all I wrote as poetry
I took photographs at night
And even though they came out black
I turned them over and wrote the date
Just so I could remember that there was a time when something was so beautiful
I had to capture it

It is for these moments that I choose to write
To keep the dreams of a little girl alive
To remind myself why I continue to breathe
Why even though I am tone deaf I write music in my dreams
And use lyrical notes to find heaven in the abyss
Because it is the blessing of every poet
To make life sound like an epic romance
And find beauty in pain

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